Walking Through the Chaos days later
Walking Through the Chaos
I finally got out walking the other day, even though I never had the chance to blog it. Six days straight on rotation and Autumn starting off rough — it’s been a blur. I feel spaced out, like a piece of me cracked off somewhere I can’t reach. I don’t know where I am in anything lately. My mind used to argue with itself, mad at questions that already had answers, looping around like a masquerade of thoughts. Now it’s just noise and exhaustion.
I don’t feel great most days. Some days I don’t feel like going on at all. But I walked the dog, and she was happy. My mom and dad have been walking her too, picking up the slack where I’ve dropped it. My weekly chore list is almost abandoned. The house feels like confusion made physical — not paranoia, but the disorganized side of my illness that nobody ever seems to talk about. Every time I clean, more stuff comes in. More chaos. More piles. More reminders that I’m not keeping up.
It feels like a bomb went off in the house, and we don’t even have kids. Just two adults trying to manage life and sometimes failing. I’m overwhelmed by voices, thoughts, and the sense that I’m sliding into another stage of schizophrenia where it takes two people to clean, but even then the mess sabotages itself. Executive dysfunction hits so hard I have to write lines just to mow the lawn. My calendar is neglected. My budgeting is neglected. Everything is neglected.
House. Car. Yard. Work. Groceries. Fuel. Walks. Chores. Friends. Family. It’s too much. It’s not happening. I don’t know how people with kids do it when I can barely do it without them.
I’m stuck negotiating life with myself — trying to be functional, trying to be stoic, trying to be voluntary in things that feel involuntary. Even the celibacy I chose gets tangled up in everyone else’s choices, like the world is bumping into me when I’m trying to stay still.
So I walk the dog. And it’s not just walking the dog. It’s growing, here and there, listening to the shade and the shadow of my own thoughts. It’s trying to find a place that feels like “here” when “here” keeps slipping.
I took a break from Facebook. My reading dropped to a third of what it was. I know things can be better, but I’m not better right now. My time feels rented out to chaos instead of calendars. Astrology instead of actual days. Disorder instead of living.
But I’m still walking. Still writing. Still trying to make sense of the mess and the mind and the dog who keeps showing up happy, no matter how tangled everything else gets.
I get walking the other day and never had a chance to blog it cause i was on six day rotation. i am not doing to well these beginnning of august. i feel my mind space out and a broken piece of me. I don't know where i am in mostly everything and anything. I used to argue in my head often mad at the thoughts alreqaedy on maserade of questions that all ready had answers for the questions it was asking. i don't feel the best most days, i often don't want to go on any more. yet i walked the dog and she is happy. my mom and dad have been walking the dog. ive almost stopped all my chores list weekly and been in a state of confusion or disorder. noit paraniod, life is some what blaming me for being paraniod all the years but the side of me that is absolutely not getting watch is disorganized side of my illness. any time i clean up more stuff comes in and it is. choas. stuff every where. if you get more space more stuff comes in. we are never getting rid of stuff. our house looks like abomb shell landered in the house and we don't have kids. it contimplating the awful state im in. i am over ran in my head on voices and thoughts as the such am moving to another stage of illness of schizophrenea where it take two to clean yet when i do clean up it purposely sabtoged and im not making the disorgainzation any better. i got to do lines to get stop the exective disfunction to even mow the lawn, and my calendar this last couple weeks is neglected and im well not mananging to be a udgeter while i gto to mantain a house, car, yard, work, gorceries, fuel, walks, chores, socially with friends and family. it just is not happening. i don't know how to fix it. contimplating the ever plans of life and romancing is. with or with our kids i don't know how oyu all do it in a family. like im not doing it with out the familiy. im sort of stuck in a negotiaiting life and obsiletism and go most my friends take significant time to get to socialize and my wife is. less figuritily hard to do things with but the similar and fimilar effort to coax equal with all those are not balanced to the signifacant and figuratively disabilities every one is challenged day to day living. so jeleously it is walking the dog and it aint walking the dog. it is a growing there and here listening in anothe right of shade and shadow. so i don't know where else is.... it aint here i take break from face book. my reading is bump to 1/3 what is was, and im losing all knowing it can be better.... while i am not. the space renting in my space is.... astrology not metrology of calanders and actually living life functionally with what is cost me my time. if i ain't doing a good job at being a stoic. when i latch on to being voluntery cleabate its every one else not being volunteery that messing with me write me a blog post on this
Cheering for you ! 🌅😀🍂🍁 C
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